Shower King

Moment of Truth escaped
In the captured time of the shower-
When heard, I wonder and sink to knees.

"It's not about eating. 
It's about you
and Me."

Pointed at my heart
No blame here but unavoidable,
crazy intimacy.

"What about us?"
Answered with snapshots floating through the haze
and heat of comforting water.

Remembrance of just-made decisions.
Unattainable standards reset
"Are you seeing?"

Moment of truth escaped.
And I know-not by clear design,
but I am naturally bent

Towards the maze of trying
Without believing or receiving.
only crossing off once done.

A desire for earth wholeness
now replaced with a desire for
Holiness.  Closeness. 

Oh Shower King:
Who am I to argue
with Grace?

My Scar

In August of 2006, I woke up one morning with partial blindness in one eye. After a round of doctor's appointments, I remember sitting with a retinal eye surgeon and discussing possible causes. By this time, the pictures taken of my eye had confirmed it was a blood clot, the lingering effects of which would hopefully dissipate within the span of several weeks. I could see better by the time we were having the discussion, but my fear was as palpable as the clawing Texas humidity of that August day.

I remember asking him if stress could be a contributing factor in blood clots. He reluctantly admitted that stress could contribute to any physical disorder if it was high enough, and if other contributing factors were present. Most concernedly, he said, was the fact that I was 24. He gestured in the direction of the waiting room and continued, "You might notice that you offset the average age of my patients by about 60 years."

You would think that the threat of premature aging and physical disease would have jarred me into some sort of personal revelation in that moment. Unfortunately, it took over a year to get me to that point. Fast-forward to January of 2008 in yet another doctor's office, this time a rheumatologist, who blithely conveyed a diagnosis of lupus before moderating his voice to lecture me about my level of stress. He told me I needed to see a therapist because something in my life had to give. Even he could tell I was not letting go without help.

With the help of a counselor, by April of 2008 I quit everything that was not necessary. When you're busy, you've probably bought into the myth that you can multitask and still produce quality work (or have quality relationships). One fear, however, proved true. When I relinquished my commitments, people were disappointed in me. People judged me. Certainly not everyone. And I don't really blame the ones who did.  Because I didn't know how to quit with vulnerability, I left some commitments without any explanation.

My point is this: pulling the rope is risky. Being forced to upend your life in a culture where excelling in multiple disciplines is valued and quantity reigns over quality means that there will be a contingent of people who don't understand the necessity of a mid-line halt. In fact, it's the grace of God that quite a few people did stick with me; I was messy.

Honestly, I'm discovering that now, as I try to build my life back, I can still become overcommitted.  There are moments every day when I have to stop. Determine whether or not I can commit to something without sacrificing the quality of something else.  Say no to dross so that I am saying yes to simple life abundant.  It is what's required, in my life at least, for keeping peace.

Don't worry. If I start to forget, I just close my eyes. There is a faint, small scar from my blood clot that lives on as a reminder of the cost of blundering ahead, skipping over the warning signs of being overcome, and vainly trying to prove something by giving Him an offering He does not require.

Isaiah 1:11

"What are your multiplied sacrifices to Me?"

Says the LORD.

"I have had enough of burnt offerings of rams

And the fat of fed cattle;

And I take no pleasure in the blood of bulls, lambs or goats.

Psalm 50:10-15

10"For every beast of the forest is Mine,

The cattle on a thousand hills.

11"I know every bird of the mountains,

And everything that moves in the field is Mine.

12"If I were hungry I would not tell you,

For the world is Mine, and all it contains.

13"Shall I eat the flesh of bulls

Or drink the blood of male goats?

14"Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving

And pay your vows to the Most High;

15Call upon Me in the day of trouble;

I shall rescue you, and you will honor Me."

Enough: a word study

This kind of inductive, word-study post is different than most of my blog posts, but if you stick with it, it's the kind of open-ended read that might lead you to something unexpected.

At church on Sunday one particular part of a song struck me differently than it has before.  It's a line from a song called "Because of Your Love:"

"You did it for me.
You did it for love. 
It's your victory.
Jesus you are enough."

It reminded me of another song called El Shaddai:

"El Shaddai, worthy king.
Lord most high, I believe.
You are God of more than enough. 
In you I trust, El Shaddai."

The meaning of the Old Testament Hebrew name for God, El Shaddai:
1.  It's most often translated in the Bibles we read as God Almighty.  This might tie in to the Hebrew word for mountain, 'shadu':

Genesis 17:1 - When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to him and said, "I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless. 2 I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers."

2.  Some think it sounds like 'shadayim,' a Hebrew word for breasts.  God supplying the needs of His people like a mother to a child.  This would go with a certain sense of fertility connected with the El Shaddai verses:

Genesis 29:25 - "by the God of your father who will help you, by the Almighty who will bless you with blessings of heaven above, blessings of the deep that crouches beneath, blessings of the breasts and of the womb."

3.  Some think Shaddai is composed of two parts: Sha, a relative pronoun and Dai, meaning enough or sufficient.  God in Himself is enough.  The Talmud explains it this way, but says that "Shaddai" stands for "Mi she'Amar Dai L'olamo" - "He who said 'Enough' to His world." God is not only sufficient in and of Himself, but also sets the limits on the world, even creation itself. 

Job 11:7 - "Can you search out the deep things of God? Can you find out the limits of the Almighty?" 

In English, enough:
–adjective
1.adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire: enough water; noise enough to wake the dead.
–pronoun
2.an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency.
–adverb
3.in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently.
4.fully or quite: ready enough.

Enough means sufficient to satisfy the purpose, need, or desire. 

Sufficient in the New Testament:

2 Corinthians 3:4-6  Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. 5 Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, 6 who has made us competent (or sufficient) to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Is He enough for you?

Saved by unreturned phone calls

It was not the first revelation I had during the 2-year-long fight with disease and depression, nor was it the last. But it was a game-changer. Full encounters with Grace are always game-changers.

In April of 2008, it was all I could do to shower, drive to work, assume the work facade in order to strain out interactions with customers, and drive home. Once home, I would eat, sleep, and repeat the next morning. Before the years of pain began, it had been my habit to catch up on phone calls on the drive home from work. As the disease progressed, however, this became more and more untenable. It wasn't just that I was physically exhausted.

I had nothing to say. I didn't want to talk about my own pain, and I couldn't fake light topics of conversation to save my life. When it came to that portion of the conversation where my input was expected, I was at a loss.

So it was that I found myself driving home, sitting in traffic, and looking at a long list of unreturned phone calls. At the top of the list were some of my best friends. Friends that did not live in Austin, could not see the change that had engulfed my personality in despair, were not aware of how bad things had become. I felt as though I owed them explanations, and that maybe if I could just get through the description of my present state, encouragement would be on the other side. As I picked up my phone to dial the first number, I knew I couldn't do it. It felt like I was attempting to claw through a brick wall with my fingernails. In sheer despair, I said aloud, "Jesus, I can't."

To be honest with you, I did keep up a running dialogue with God even in the worst of those days. But don't be impressed. The entire context of those discussions might be typified by "Okay, just help me through this shower." And then, "Thanks, now can you just get me through the next hour." This time, though, my anguish fully expressed, I felt Him respond very clearly: "You don't have to."


My external response was religious - "God, if I don't call these people I'm ruining relationships, missing divine appointments, making a bigger mess!" My internal response, the one He knew immediately, was doubt. If I didn't do what I was supposed to do, would God still come through for me? If I didn't toe the line, hold up my end of this nebulous bargain, would He stop helping me?

The answer fell deep in my malnourished, legalistic soul. You cannot make me love you more with righteousness that is as filthy rags, and you cannot lose my love with unreturned phone calls.