Good and Empty

My car is dead. 

Except that dead is not quite the word everyone else needs to hear in order to understand it's current state - what you need to hear is that it is totaled. 

But I feel like it died.  I feel like that because since the night that I drove away from my parents' house completely assured of my own plans to drive back to Denver, which of course were then  diverted by a car crash in which I ended up hanging by my seatbelt in a sideways vehicle, I have been in mourning.  I hate even admitting that; I mean come on...mourning the loss of a vehicle?  So, of course, in order to feel like a sane human being, I have attempted to analyze and give some type of deeper meaning to the grief process.  (If you know any counselors this is a completely normalized endeavor).

I'm relieved to say that it does have meaning, if not the meaning I expected. Have you ever heard the term "spoiling the Egyptians?"  It refers to the idea of taking valuable plunder from previous regimes of oppression so as to keep what's valuable and leave what's useless. In a sense, it turns out, my 2001 Honda Accord was my only remaining Egyptian spoil.

Six years ago I whole-heartedly injested several identity-changing lies about who I was. In order to make sense of an out-of-control relationship in my life, I listened to bad counsel and believed I was innately born to manipulate and control. This, they said (and I believed) would discount me for future leadership. Ever the legalist, I took this as a foundation on which to build a whole system of relating to others. If I should not be in leadership, I would never talk, sing, or do anything on a stage in front of people.  And I was determined to serve in the most understated and often humiliating ways. In fact, in order to thoroughly prove myself capable of this new role - I did a whole lot of service. So much so that when I was diagnosed with a debilitating disease in 2008, my first concern was that apart from what I was doing, which would now have to cease from physical constraints, I had no idea who I was to God.

Slowly, God began to redeem my life from the lies. I believe that the final nail in the coffin occurred just one month ago when I was given the opportunity to speak in public. I remember walking away surprised after I had delivered a cogent speech and realizing that God had concretely given me evidence of His full deliverance.

And this is where the story should end right?  Except that instead of fully embracing the freedom I was being offered, I went into a sort of sadness that was pervasive if not overwhelming. What I now know is that the end of all of those deceptive beliefs brought about an emptiness of meaning. It is a scary thing to fully release a six-year companion; even if that companion was sent to steal, kill, and destroy. Instead, I found myself in a new and unsteady place in which trusting God for who I was became a daily endeavor.  Continually looking to others for definition and support brought only disappointment.  God would not let me fill the emptiness that had been so recently occupied with anything or anyone else.

So back to the Honda. It was the only thing that stayed with me throughout those six years. I had so many memories in that car, and surely many of them were good. But they were old, and my years of crying out to God in that car for release, for freedom, for grace have been resoundingly answered. My one tie to that lie believing moment six years ago is now gone. It died.  And with it, I hope, went all remaining remnants of my Egypt.  So I will let it go; I will look forward to a new vehicle in which I will pray new prayers, believe for big things, and remember God's mighty and redemptive power.

Shower King

Moment of Truth escaped
In the captured time of the shower-
When heard, I wonder and sink to knees.

"It's not about eating. 
It's about you
and Me."

Pointed at my heart
No blame here but unavoidable,
crazy intimacy.

"What about us?"
Answered with snapshots floating through the haze
and heat of comforting water.

Remembrance of just-made decisions.
Unattainable standards reset
"Are you seeing?"

Moment of truth escaped.
And I know-not by clear design,
but I am naturally bent

Towards the maze of trying
Without believing or receiving.
only crossing off once done.

A desire for earth wholeness
now replaced with a desire for
Holiness.  Closeness. 

Oh Shower King:
Who am I to argue
with Grace?

Wind in my earrings, Part 4

Today it is to nourish:

62.  Room to stretch out on the flight back today. 

63.  A bridesmaid dress-trying-on-event that went smoothly.

64.  These words: And in simple faith to plunge me, ’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!

65.  A little bit of extra time with my sister last night.

66.  Soy milkshakes.

67.  Encouraging professional relationships.

68.  Watching my sister switch the tassle from right to left.

69.  A job opportunity for the brother.  (This post is satisfyingly family-centric as I just soaked up rarely-received time with all four of them).

70.  Projected free time this week to spend with quality friends before I leave.

71.  Anyway: a broken laptop (the roommate's) and a severed tie (mine).  Chances for divine intervention if I ever saw them.

Counting with the gratitude community:

This bumpy road

13 "Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. 14For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.

Matthew 17

Photo by Trey Ratcliff @ Stuck in Customs.

I heard these verses this morning and my thoughts went in a direction that was, for me, a first. 

Here it is (and feel free to laugh): No wonder I keep getting bumped!

If the road is narrow and hard, when you encounter a person along the Way, they probably fit in one of four categories: a leader, a bumper, a linker, or a follower. 

Ever been on a narrow trail?  I've run one with a group of girls that were all working out together.  I discovered I like to be in the middle of the pack.  If I am in the front, inevitably someone wants to pass me to set their own pace.  If I am at the back, I begin to slow down with no accountability behind me.  But in the middle, I keep running at a steady pace.  I'm pretty sure all of us want the same - good leaders, friends who run alongside us, and people who follow after, affected for the better by the example of our lives.

The leaders:  On the narrow trail, really good leaders are few and far between.  They can urge you forward without judging your progress.  They warn you of pitfalls.  They pave the way ahead, marking out the road for those behind them.

The bumpers:  The narrow width of the path means there isn't much room for people to run together unless they are lockstep linked.  So the bumpers fulfill their roll by sharpening us with their knocks.  They remind us to keep the focus on the path beneath our own feet.  (When we start to compare, we become bumpers ourselves!).

The linkers:  These people are really, really rare.  In order to run together on a hard, narrow path, these people have to link arms and step in sync with you on your journey.  They are unafraid to be close, courageous enough to share in encouragements and pain.  Most exist for just a portion of the way, falling back or leaping forward to lead you on.  Some step in time and stay for longer periods.

The followers:  These people are necessary.  Without followers, you might lose hope.  Instead, when you turn around to see how far you've come, you realize that others are depending on your leadership to make the path ready for their feet. 

A reporter once asked Elvis: “Elvis, when you first started playing music, you said you wanted to be rich, famous and happy. Are you happy?”  He replied, “I’m lonely as hell itself.”

On the broad road, everyone pursues their own goals.  Lonely and spread out, they don't even bump into to each other on the way to destruction.  I am grateful for the Way that leads to life, even if it means I might get knocked about from time to time.

Circling

Dear friend,

I am up late again.  Even as I say that I can hear your consternation.  I know I need sleep and yet I'm up - doing laundry, packing for a weekend trip, but most of all - I'm thinking.  Circling might be a better word.  That's how I picture it.  Like the object of my concern is in the middle of a patch of grass in a field and my thoughts have run a permenant trail of dirt into the ground around it. 

Most of the time, my circling helps make sense of a problem.  Almost like the act of focusing on it brings true understanding.  And that is the purpose, right?  To exert some sense of understanding so that I can make a decision, know how to think, or even put something to rest.

But I have to be honest.   When I put what's going on in your life in the middle of this well-worn path, it refuses to make sense.  Seriously - I've been doing laundry for three hours and there's no parceling to be done.  I can't make it smaller by dividing it into tangible pieces.  When I think about answers, all I get is more questions.  There is no fairness here.  No clear reason behind the cards you were dealt.  No way around the hurt. 

I need to get to the point so I can go get the next round of clothes.  There are very few times when the circling doesn't help at all.  Since you know my story, I'm sure you can think of those times in my life.  All I know is that rather than maintaining a distance waiting for understanding, I walked right up to the thing, screamed at it, pushed at it, and eventually stumbled through it.  And while I had irreplaceable help, it was one of the most lonely times in my life. 

At the heart of it, all I can do is circle, watch, and plead on your behalf.  This trail I'm running has already become a valley but perhaps it will keep you from attack.  So I'm here - watching while you push at it, struggle with it, walk through it.

One day:
4 Every valley shall be lifted up,
and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
and the rough places a plain.
5 And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed,
and all flesh shall see it together,
for the mouth of the LORD has spoken. 
Isaiah 40

Wind in my earrings, part 3

I didn't really get to post yesterday; I've been very busy with #51 from last week.  Even though it's not Monday, it's still a necessity for me to keep track, especially in these last days in Austin.  So to conquer fear with praise:

52.  Finding out that everyone is nervous about my upcoming high school reunion.

53.  Two great parents.   

54.  Boxing.

55.  A Colorado address.

56.  Returning memories. 

57.  My sister's great example: teaching while attaining a master's degree!

58.  Hot showers in the morning.

59.  Easy accessibility to Sonic.

60.  The king's chair (my apartment rocking chair).  Sadly, it might not make the trip to seminary.  Picture below: Stacey, a great Austin friend, rocking my goddaughter.

61.  Two amazing coworkers who have mothered me, befriended me, and encouraged me.

One day late, but still loving the gratitude community at:

Happy Mother's Day!

My Mom is...

Funny
Supportive
Gracious
Loving
Kind

And above all-
Merciful.

Love you Umma.