Circling

Dear friend,

I am up late again.  Even as I say that I can hear your consternation.  I know I need sleep and yet I'm up - doing laundry, packing for a weekend trip, but most of all - I'm thinking.  Circling might be a better word.  That's how I picture it.  Like the object of my concern is in the middle of a patch of grass in a field and my thoughts have run a permenant trail of dirt into the ground around it. 

Most of the time, my circling helps make sense of a problem.  Almost like the act of focusing on it brings true understanding.  And that is the purpose, right?  To exert some sense of understanding so that I can make a decision, know how to think, or even put something to rest.

But I have to be honest.   When I put what's going on in your life in the middle of this well-worn path, it refuses to make sense.  Seriously - I've been doing laundry for three hours and there's no parceling to be done.  I can't make it smaller by dividing it into tangible pieces.  When I think about answers, all I get is more questions.  There is no fairness here.  No clear reason behind the cards you were dealt.  No way around the hurt. 

I need to get to the point so I can go get the next round of clothes.  There are very few times when the circling doesn't help at all.  Since you know my story, I'm sure you can think of those times in my life.  All I know is that rather than maintaining a distance waiting for understanding, I walked right up to the thing, screamed at it, pushed at it, and eventually stumbled through it.  And while I had irreplaceable help, it was one of the most lonely times in my life. 

At the heart of it, all I can do is circle, watch, and plead on your behalf.  This trail I'm running has already become a valley but perhaps it will keep you from attack.  So I'm here - watching while you push at it, struggle with it, walk through it.

One day:
4 Every valley shall be lifted up,
and every mountain and hill be made low;
the uneven ground shall become level,
and the rough places a plain.
5 And the glory of the LORD shall be revealed,
and all flesh shall see it together,
for the mouth of the LORD has spoken. 
Isaiah 40